Empathy: The Writer's Secret Weapon?*

Photo by Josh Calabrese on Unsplash

I’ve been home from England for two and a half weeks now and I’m pretty well settled in. Last week was about recovering from jet lag and trying to sleep (pro tip: CBD is a game-changer for sleeping through the night). This week has been for catching up on appointments. Alllll the appointments I couldn’t keep while I was overseas. Finally, I have the chance to sit down and write this post which has been on my mind.

This idea for a post on empathy and writing grew out of a discussion the first day of our England workshop. As writers introduced themselves, it emerged that several of the attendees were either dealing with or had dealt with painful mental health issues in loved ones. (It often amazes me how synchronicities like this happen in workshops.) This evolved into a conversation about how having lived experience makes you so much more able to be empathetic. One student said that having breast cancer had enabled her to speak empathetically to those with serious illnesses, any kind of serious illness.

I started thinking about this through the lens of writing and it occurred to me how much writers need empathy. In case you need a definition refresher, Merriam-Webster says that empathy is: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another. In other words, it is the ability to get into another person’s head, to walk a mile in another’s shoes. To feel what they feel. And isn’t this what we writers do when we write? We create whole characters that, with skill and luck on our parts, appear to live and breathe on the page. It is impossible to do this without the ability to get into another person’s character’s head. It is impossible to create characters without knowing them through and through. We need to be able to feel what our character feels as she navigates her world. We need empathy for this.

But writers also need empathy for their readers. A popular piece of advice for writers these days is to create a reader avatar, i.e., parse out your ideal reader. This used to be a recommendation mainly given to non-fiction writers, but more and more you’ll see it applied to novelists, too. I think it’s a good idea—for marketing and your writing. And it ties into empathy. Because empathy for your reader will help you build a strong connection with her. When you are writing a story, your goal is to get your readers to feel. You want them to feel the pain and triumph of your character, to feel your protagonist’s fears and doubts and love and joy. This is empathy at work. Having a good idea of who your ideal reader is will help you foster this.

I’ll also note that writers need empathy for each other. Every residency when I returned to my MFA program, then-director Sena Jeter Naslund welcomed students and reminded them, “Your competition is not in this room. It’s in the Spalding library.” Talk about empathy. We need to support and encourage each other, lift each other’s boats. Writing community is vital to our well-being and it doesn’t happen through envy and jealousy. When we read each other’s work, whether in workshop, as a critique partner or a beta reader, we need to take the work on its own terms and not try to make it something else. This is empathy in action—stepping into the world the writer has created to become one with it.

Okay, this is all well and good. But you might be wondering, as I was, how am I supposed to foster more empathy in my life? I consider myself a pretty empathetic person, but I can also think of times when I’ve subconsciously distanced myself from people’s problems or traumas. I had some ideas about fostering empathy, such as don’t be judgy, which truth, is my bugaboo, listen with a whole heart, be in the moment and observe. But I wanted more, so I turned to the Google.

This New York Times article is apparently the gold standard for information on how to be more empathetic. I say that because everyone article I found either quoted the author Clair Cain Miller verbatim or drew heavily on it. But I can see why, because Miller makes extensive and helpful suggestions, many of which are especially useful for writers. To wit, some of her thoughts:

—Since the essence of empathy is understanding others, start by talking to other people, those who you might consider strange or different than you in particular. (Duh. But how man of us do this?) Ask them how they feel about things. And then listen. Be curious about their lives. All excellent advice for writers, who should always be observing, listening, taking in the surroundings.

—You could visit a different neighborhood, drop into a new church or store, place yourself where you’ll be exposed to different things, and yes, people. Get out of your bubble!

—Since bias is sort of the opposite of empathy, admit that. you are biased. We all are. Following the above suggestions can help push you away from it. Also, check your privilege. Many of us have privileges that are so engrained we don’t even think about them.

—Miller also recommends reading, music to a writer’s ears. Drop yourself into a fictional world and also read widely in non-fiction. But I am preaching to the choir here, I know. (Although I once had a client who wanted to write a book but never read. Bad combo.)

—Most importantly (at least to me) is to remember: it’s not all about you. I often ponder how all of us are wandering around worrying about what other people think of us, how we look, if we said the right thing, yadda yadda yadda. But everyone else is thinking the same thing—only about themselves. How much more refreshing—and good for the writing skills—to quit making it all about you. Instead, observe and listen.

What are your thoughts on empathy and writing? I’d love to hear your ideas.

*True confession: I’m terrible at writing titles. So I asked Bard, Google’s AI program, for help. This was the best of the lot. I’m a little meh about it but it was better than anything I came up with!

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